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If you are a non-Muslim woman seeking to marry a Muslim, you must be aware of these potential issues; if you are non-Muslim woman married to a Muslim and you have children, you must think very hard about these things. Your children are not your children. |
DISCLAIMER: THE INFORMATION IN THIS CIRCULAR RELATING TO THE LEGAL REQUIREMENTS OF SPECIFIC FOREIGN COUNTRIES IS PROVIDED FOR GENERAL INFORMATION ONLY. QUESTIONS INVOLVING INTERPRETATION OF SPECIFIC FOREIGN LAWS SHOULD BE ADDRESSED TO FOREIGN COUNSEL.
The following information has been prepared by our Embassy in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia to assist American citizen women in understanding more fully the cultural and legal differences they may face if they are considering marrying a Saudi man.
Our Foreign Service posts in Saudi Arabia estimate that approximately 500 American women reside in the Kingdom with their Saudi husbands. Our Embassy is acutely conscious of the dual-national marriages which fail, monitoring approximately 40 child custody cases and instances of extreme marital discord and abuse. But American women who are both happily and unhappily involved in relationships with Saudi men admit to having been appallingly ignorant of the Kingdom and its culture prior to their betrothal. All the women interviewed strongly urged prospective wives of Saudi men to investigate the Kingdom and meet the Saudi in-laws before making a commitment to a culture antithetical to the one in which they were raised.
Survivors of dual-national marriages provide a checklist for American women to consider prior to making a commitment to living in the Kingdom. The stories of those whose marriages have failed underline the necessity of looking before leaping into the cultural chasm that separates Saudi husbands from their American wives.
The following advice and guidelines for women considering marriage to Saudi nationals were culled from interviews with women well known to our Embassy for their embattled relations with their Saudi spouses, from anecdotes from women whose husbands are well known to the Embassy because of their positions in government or business, as well as conversations with women happily or tolerably married to middle and lower class Saudis.
PROFILE OF AMERICAN CITIZEN SPOUSES OF SAUDI NATIONALS
First, the American citizen spouse of a Saudi national is with a handful of exceptions - always female. Saudi women are prohibited from marrying non-Arabs except with a special dispensation from the King. (A dispensation is also required before a Saudi woman may marry an Arab who is not a citizen of the Gulf Cooperation Council - i.e., Qatar, Kuwait, Bahrain, Oman and the United Arab Emirates). The Embassy is only aware of four American men who are married to Saudis. A few daughters of Saudi diplomats, raised and educated abroad, are also known to have received Kingly dispensation for marriage to Europeans. Most Saudi women who are married to Westerners tend to reside abroad with their husbands.
American spouses fall into two broad categories: Those who are married to well-off, westernized Saudis, and those who are married to not well-off and non-westernized Saudis. Both meet their husbands when they are students in the U.S. The former tend to maintain homes in the Kingdom and in the West, they socialize with other dual-national couples, they send their children abroad for college education (sometimes high school), travel frequently, and while in the Kingdom have the luxuries of drivers, servants and villas separate from where the Saudi in-laws reside. Their husbands permit them to appear before men to whom they are not related, accept - if not encourage their desire to find employment and generally do not require them to veil fully (i.e., cover the fact with one or more layers of cloth) while in public. The women are allowed to travel separately with the dual national children. The women may or may not have converted to Islam; their conversion may or may not be sincere. These represent the minority of dual-national marriages.
Most American women fall in love with westernized Muslim traditionalists, leery of the West and its corrosive ways, and eager to prove their wives' conformity to Saudi standards. The husbands are not Arab Princes" of western folklore; rather, they are part of the vast majority of Saudis who "get along" with the help of extended family members and marginal expectations. Their American citizen wives are often from the South/Southwest (Where many Saudis prefer to study), they have virtually no knowledge of Saudi Arabia other than what their fiances have told them, and do not speak Arabic. When they arrive in the Kingdom, they take up residence in the family's home where family members greet them with varying degrees of enthusiasm and little English. Typically, their only driver will be their husband (or another male family member), their social circle with be the extended family, and they will not be permitted to work or appear uncovered among men to whom their husband is not related. Initially, the American citizen spouse will be almost entirely isolated from the large western community that resides in the Kingdom. Gradually, the spouses who survive, form a network with other American citizen women married to Saudis. The majority of American citizen spouses fall into this category.
THE MYTH OF THE WESTERNIZED SAUDI
Inevitably, American citizen spouses characterize their Saudi husbands during their school days in the United States as being completely "westernized"; drinking beer with the best of them, chasing after women and generally celebrating all the diversities and decadence of a secular society. Women married to Saudis who did not fit the stereotype of the partying, or playboy/prince, are careful to point out that their spouses nevertheless displayed a tolerance toward all of these diversions and, particularly, toward them. In other words, the Saudi-American relationship virtually always blossoms in the States, in a climate which allows dating, cohabitation, children out of wedlock, religious diversity, and a multitude of other Islamic sins which go unnoticed by Saudi relatives and religious leaders thousands of miles away.
American citizen wives swear that the transformation in their Saudi husbands occurs during the transatlantic flight to the Kingdom. There is the universal recollection of approaching Riyadh and witnessing the donning of the black abayas and face veils by the fashionably dressed Saudi women. For many women, the Saudi airport is the first time they see their husband in Arab dress (i.e., the thobe and ghutra). For those American women reluctant to wear an abaya (the all-encompassing black cloak) and for those Saudi husbands who did not make an issue of the abaya prior to arriving, the intense public scrutiny which starts at the airport - given to a western woman who is accompanying a Saudi male is usually the catalyst for the eventual covering up. Since the overwhelming majority of American citizen wives never travel to the Kingdom prior to their marriage, they are abruptly catapulted into Saudi society. When they arrive, their husband's traditional dress, speech, and responsibilities to his family re-emerge and the American citizen wife is left to cope with a new country, a new language, a new family, and a new husband. Whether a Saudi has spent one year or eight studying in the United States, each must return to the fold - grudgingly or with relief - to get along in Saudi society and within the family hierarchy that structures most social and business relations.
Social pressures on even the most liberal Saudi are daunting. Shame is brought upon the entire family for the acts of an American citizen wife who does not dress modestly (e.g., cover) in public, who is not Muslim, who associates with men other than her extended relatives. Silent disapprobation from family and friends is matched by virulent public disapproval by the Kingdom's religious proctors (Mutawwaiin) and vigilante enforcers of the faith. Several American wives, fearing the latest round of religious harassment, have started fully veiling; not to do so, they discovered, meant that public squabbles with the Mutawwaiin who vociferously oppose dual-national marriages. The experience of all dual-national couples is that voluntary and involuntary compromises are made or simply evolve. The sum of these compromises is quite often a life very different than the one imagined and speculated upon in the safety of the United States.
WHAT TO EXPECT AND CONSIDER
Quality of Life
Life in a desert Kingdom which prides itself on its conservative interpretation and application of the Quran (Koran) requires that couples talk about very basis lifestyle issues.
How cosmopolitan is the Saudi husband's family?
All American wives encourage prospective brides to meet the Saudi family before arriving in the Kingdom as a married woman. (Most Saudi families will travel to the U.S. during the course of their sons' studies, if only to attend graduation.) While it is no guarantee of acceptance, a family with regularly travels abroad or one in which the father has been stationed abroad is general more broad-minded when it comes to their son marrying a Westerner. It is the parents who can be the greatest source of pressure on a dual-national marriage and it is important to divine their opinions on what an American wife can and cannot do while living in the Kingdom.
With whom will you live?
Many newly married couples move in with the groom's parents, in a sprawling villa which may house several other siblings and their wives and families. Privacy is elusive and tensions with family members who for one reason or another resent the presence of an American wife often makes this living arrangement difficult. In a more affluent family, a couple may inhabit one of several homes which compromise a small family compound. Some Saudis live separately in villas or apartments. While that resolves the issue of privacy, many American wives find themselves completely isolated fearing the day, surrounded by neighbors who only speak Arabic, with no access to public or private transportation.
One tolerably married American citizen wife is not permitted to step out on the apartment porch since the risk is too great that an unrelated male would be able to see her.
The most western, but least common, housing arrangement would be an apartment or villa located in a western compound or on the Diplomatic Quarter. There, a semblance of western suburban life goes on behind high walls or, in the case of the Diplomatic Quarter, under the protective gaze of a multitude of Saudi police officers. However, most Saudi owners of western style compounds ban Saudi tenants since they fear western inhabitants would object. The very rare Saudi male who endorses this living arrangement is generally a naturalized Saudi, of Lebanese or Palestinian origin. For the average Saudi family, residence in a western compound would be an unnatural renunciation of Saudi culture and would make one culturally "suspect."
With whom will you socialize?
Saudis socialize within the family. Expatriates who have lived and worked for years in the Kingdom may never meet the wife of a close Saudi friend and, according to custom, should never so much as inquire about her health. For an American wife, a social life confined to her husband's family can be stultifying, particularly since few American wives speak, or learn to speak, Arabic. Whether the Saudi husband permits his wife to socialize with men to whom they are not related determines how "normal" (i.e. how western) a social live they will enjoy. Several American wives have difficulty even visiting the American Embassy for routine passport renewals since their husbands are opposed to their speaking to a male Foreign Service Officer. Because of the segregated society, Saudi men naturally spend much of their time together, separate from wives and family. (Even Saudi weddings are segregated affairs, often held on different evenings and in different locations.) Only the most westernized Saudi will commit to socializing with other dual national couples.
What freedom of movement will you enjoy?
Women are prohibited from driving, riding a motorcycle, pedaling a bicycle, or traveling by taxi, train or plane without an escort. All American wives were aware that they would not be able to drive while in the kingdom, but few comprehended just how restricted their movements would be. Only the relatively affluent Saudi family will have a driver on staff, most American women depend entirely upon their husbands and male relatives for transportation. While most expatriate western women routinely use taxis, an American spouse will be expected to have an escort - either another female relative or children - before entering the taxi of an unrelated male.
Will you be permitted to travel separately from your husband?
Travel by train or plane inside the kingdom requires the permission of the male spouse and the presence of a male family escort. Travel outside the Kingdom is even more restricted. Everyone leaving the Kingdom must have an exit visa. For an American spouse, this visa must be obtained by her Saudi husband. The Saudi spouse must accompany his wife to the airport to assure airport officials that he has given his permission for his wife to travel alone or with the children.
One American's marriage contract specified that "she stated that she shall never request to travel from Saudi Arabia with any one of her children unless with his prior consent."
Most American wives believe that the U.S. Embassy can issue exit visas in a pinch. This is not the case. The U.S. Embassy cannot obtain exit visas for American citizens. Passports issued by the Embassy are worthless as travel documents without the mandatory Saudi exit visa. While some more affluent American relatives offer to pay for the American wife to travel independently, this often meets with disapproval from the Saudi husband or family.
Will you be permitted to work?
There are two hurdles an American wife must overcome before finding work outside the home: The disapproval of the family and the paucity of employment opportunities.
Most husbands will not approve of a wife working outside the home if it entails contact with unrelated men. One American wife, who was a teacher in the U.S. during the entire five years of her courtship with her husband, was shocked when her husband threatened her with divorce when she requested to return to the U.S. to finish up one quarter of classes in order to qualify for a state pension. Now that she was married, the Saudi husband could not tolerate her being in the presence of other men. However, even if the husband is willing, the jobs are few. Employment is generally restricted to the fields of education (teaching women only) and medicine. Unfortunately, there is a tremendous social bias against the nursing profession and Saudi husbands would not approve of a wife working with patients, except in the position of a physician.
Will your husband take a second wife?
Among the younger generation, it is rare for a Saudi to have a second wife but it does occur. A man is legally entitled up to four wives, with the proviso that he is able to financially and emotionally accord them equal status. One American wife discovered that her Saudi husband had married her best friend, also and American, while he was on vacation in the U.S.
Religion
In principle, all Saudi men must marry Muslims or converts to Islam. In practice, many American women blur the issue; participating in a Sharia wedding ceremony but never actually converting.
The pressure to become a Muslim, or to be come a sincere Muslim, is enormous and never-ending. There is no separation of church and state in Saudi Arabia, and at the popular level there is simply no comprehension of religious freedom of the desire to remain Christian or undecided One American wife, who is approaching her tenth wedding anniversary has been terrorized by relatives who insist that the King has ordered that all women who don't see the light after ten years must be divorced and deported. For another, the pressure comes mainly from her children who are mercilessly teased at school for having a foreign, non-Muslim mother. (Half-hearted converts to Islam find that their children are ridiculed for having mothers who pray awkwardly or not at all.) One Saudi teacher informed the children of an American citizen mother, who has sincerely concreted to Islam, that their mother could never be a Muslim since "only Arabs can be Muslim." Women who don't convert must accept that their children, through hours of Islamic education a day at school and under the tutelage of the family, will be Muslim. Women who do convert must understand that their conversion, particularly in the aftermath of a divorce, will be suspect and their fidelity to Islam perceived to be less than their husband's.
Family
Saudi Arabia has one of the highest birthrates in the world and families with five or more children are the norm. The family is the basic unit of Saudi life and family members have must closer relations than in the United States. Every family member feels free to give an opinion on any facet of another family member's life. Siblings - particularly an older brother - are expected to financially aid each other and males must band together to guard the honor of their female relations. Children are not expected or encouraged to leave the nest; rather, extended adolescence can occur well into a man's early thirties.
What are the differences in child raising?
To a much greater degree than in the West, Saudi children are indulged. Little girls are dressed in miniature prom dresses, little boys wear the latest in western sport togs. Both wreak havoc. American wives must suffer silently when the children of various relations run riot through the house. One wife related the story of a brother-in-law's child who carefully doled out chocolate pudding on the brand new furniture. When she scolded the child, she was in turn scolded for making a fuss about something that could be cleaned.
On the other hand, the Saudi family is replete with baby sitters and children always have young and old playmates. with whom to mix. Because foreign labor is so cheap in Saudi Arabia, even lower middle class families will have an Indonesian or Filipina housemaid to help with the chores. Among the very affluent Saudi families and particularly within the royal family, each child will generate its own servant.
Many American mothers are frustrated by the dearth of things to do with their children. Absent a driver, mothers are cooped up at home with the children and, even with a driver, there are few venues to visit.
What will it be like to raise a daughter?
Cultural differences are never greater than when it comes to the role of women and raising a daughter is a challenge in any Saudi-American marriage. Growing up in the Kingdom, a young girl will naturally look forward to the day when she comes of age and can wear the abaya and cover her hair. She will naturally be very devout. She may be expected to marry a first cousin. While playing a central role in the family, a girl is nevertheless a statutory second class citizen who needs to be protected and whose word is worth only half of a man's.
For a Saudi girl, this is the natural state of affairs; for an American mother of a Saudi girl, it can be unsettling. Not surprisingly, most of our child custody cases in which a child has been kidnapped from the United States involve a Saudi father "saving" his daughter from a sinful" society and her "decadent" mother.
Since Saudi women are prohibited from marrying western men, an American mother must expect her daughter to integrate more tightly into Saudi society. This is not necessarily the case with sons who might be encouraged to study in the U.S. (Saudi girls are permitted to study in the U.S. only if they are chaperoned by a family member), who could freely travel to the West, whose business might facilitate travel between the two countries, and who might elect to marry an American woman. Several very liberal Saudi fathers and the American wives have been embarrassed by their more conservative daughters' decisions not to attend school in the United States in deference to the disapproval of their culture.
IF THE MARRIAGE FAILS
In the worst scenario, an American wife can find herself summarily divorced, deported, and deprived of any right of visitation with her dual national children. Sharia law decidedly favors men in the dissolution of marriage. And the laws of Saudi Arabia require that all individuals be sponsored by a Saudi citizen in order to receive a visa, resident or otherwise. Therefore, once a marriage breaks up, the ex-wife must leave the Kingdom and may only return with the explicit permission and sponsorship of her ex-husband. (In cases where the Saudi husband attempts to prevent his spouse from leaving, the Embassy can call upon Saudi authorities to facilitate the American wife's departure. The Embassy cannot force a Saudi husband to relinquish the children.)
In one instance, an American who had undergone a bitter divorce and child custody battle with her Saudi husband, applied for and receive a visa to work with a company located in the Kingdom. Once the Saudi husband and the Saudi authorities discovered her presence, she was thrown into jail and ultimately forced to leave her position and the country.
What custody rights to women have under Sharia law?
Theoretically, a mother should maintain custody the children until the ages of 7-9, when their primary care would be transferred to their father. However, the ultimate objective of a Sharia court in the settlement of custody issues is that the child be raised a good Muslim. Whether a convert or not to Islam, an American woman will not overcome the prejudice against her upbringing and society. The Embassy has no knowledge of an American or any western woman ever winning custody of dual national children in a Sharia court.
Can an American mother flee the Kingdom with her dual national children?
It is impossible to legally leave the Kingdom with out the express permission of the Saudi husband. A woman who wishes to leave her husband but is pregnant at the time, can be required to wait until after the birth of the child. The same would hold true if the Saudi husband passed away - custody of the children and any unborn child would remain with the closest living Saudi male relative.
Can an American woman be denied visitation rights with her children?
A Saudi husband must giver explicit permission for a divorced wife to visit her children in the Kingdom. The Embassy has worked with the Ministry of Foreign Affairs to create the "no-objection" visa. The ex-husband must be willing to sign a statement that he has no objection to his ex-wife visiting the Kingdom. In that statement, the ex-husband establishes how long he is willing to let his ex-wife remain in the country. The history of no-objection visas is mixed.
A husband often objects to the emotional disruption of a visit from the American wife. Often the husband's second wife becomes jealous, and the American mother finds that her visits are restricted in time and carried out in full view of the extended Saudi family.
Only one American wife has successfully made no-objection visits over the course of the last five years. She has been successful because she speaks Arabic (Dual national children quickly lose their English skills once their mother departs the Kingdom), has managed to maintain steady relations with her ex-husband, and reconciled herself to the fact that her child would spend at least his first 18 years in the Kingdom. If the custody dispute has involved kidnapping by one or both parents, then by the time the children reach the Kingdom the father has no interest in facilitating relations with the American citizen mother. In these cases, all communication can be closed off and Saudi authorities will not intercede in family disputes. Consular Officers are rarely permitted to pay "Welfare and Whereabouts" visits.
COMMENT
Because the customs and laws of the Kingdom are so at variance with
the expectations and emotional imperatives of an American citizen wife in the
event of a divorce, an AMERICAN considering marriage to a Saudi must always
contemplate the worst case scenario. American wives are bitterly disappointed
and angry when they discover the limits of the Department's and Embassy's
ability to intervene or resolve family disputes. The Department can provide no
guidance on which marriages will succeed. But knowledge of Saudi Arabia and its
particular interpretation of Islam should be an American woman's first step in
determining whether the compromises required are worth the proposed
relationship.
Saudi courts generally do not award custody of children to non-Saudi women. If the mother is an Arab Muslim, judges will usually not grant her custody of children unless she is residing in Saudi Arabia, or the father is not a Muslim. All Saudi citizens are considered to be Muslim. Even when a mother who is residing in Saudi Arabia is granted physical custody of children, the father maintains legal custody and has the right to determine where the children live and travel. Women entering Saudi Arabia with the intent of visiting their children may do so only with the written permission of the father of the children. The father must file a "statement of no objection" with the Saudi Ministry of Interior before the mother will be granted a visa to enter the Kingdom. Exit visas are required to leave Saudi Arabia. The U.S. Embassy or Consulates General cannot obtain exit visas for American citizens. Women must have permission from their husband or father to exit Saudi Arabia.And so on... In other words, if you are female or non-Muslim and you have kids, you don't have kids. You have no rights. You are screwed. Again.
November 11th, 2000 was the day my little boy, Adam, was torn away from my heart. My story started in 1990 when I met his father. I was impressed with him and very interested in the fact that he was a Muslim man. ...As time went on our marriage began to have difficulties ...He never pronounced the divorce in front of me, but eventually after a year he sent me a flimsy Xeroxed paper with two witnesses’ signatures written in Arabic. ...The night of November 11th my little Adam was lured onto a plane bound for Egypt by his father and his stepmother. ...As I write this article it has been over six months since my son was parentally abducted to Egypt. I have not laid eyes on him, nor been sent a picture to see how he now looks. I have no address where I can send my child cards, or gifts or clothing. After a few weeks his father e-mailed me a cell phone number. I am allowed to call him once a week, but if I say anything that can be construed as negative by his father, who monitors each call, I can be cut off at any time. ...He is learning a bigoted and perverse brand of distorted Islam. My child has been brainwashed to hate Americans, equating us with Israelis, whom we all know are despised in the Middle East. During one call, after only the first few months, he said, “Do you know that the Americans and the Israelis will go after you, Mama? They want to kill all the Muslims!” ...He tells me that his Christian grandparents are bad ...He attacks me too telling me that I was a “bad mother.” ...My only son tells me that he remembers nothing good about me, despite the fact that I was the parent, from birth, who provided him with all the love, nurturing, and educational experiences while his father refused to be involved with him and was running around late at night with friends ignoring his family. My child tells me that he remembers nothing good about me, despite the fact that I was the parent from birth who provided him with all the love, nurturing, and educational experiences while his father was running around late at night ignoring us. I am now among the thousands of parents in America and around the world known as ‘left-behind parents’. We are parents who love our children dearly, but who can’t see or touch them. We are victims of adults who decided to give themselves instant child custody and get rid of the other parent with no courts involved... This article is intended for the Muslim community because we have a high and growing incidence of international marriages. We also have an alarming divorce rate. Any of us are at risk if we have the misfortune of facing a divorce combined with having children. This is not a Muslim problem, but a worldwide problem. Its impact on the Muslim community will become more evident though due to our tendency to marry partners with ties to another country. I am not condemning this sort of marriage for we are all Muslims and in Islam there is no ethnic or national distinction, yet when Muslims find themselves in a situation of divorce with children involved, things can become very nasty and get out of hand. Child abduction in no way can be rightly justified according to Islam, yet there are hundreds of parents; in the case of Muslims, mainly fathers who decide to take matters into their own hands and remove their children from the United States to their home country. Once our children are there we are at the mercy of the foreign court, and basically, we can kiss our children goodbye because these courts normally will not cooperate with a foreign parent, especially a mother. I am not offering a solution, but I am presenting the problem as clearly as I can. Allah is the Merciful and Compassionate.
Another article from an Internet blog, by a Muslimah (Muslims wife), about her experience in what she calls "polygamy hell". This posting is from this website: http://peacefulmuslimah.blogspot.com/search/label/polygyny
Friday, December 01, 2006Say what yopu want, but this woman has faith in Allah and Islam. Her story continues -- it appears that her husband has a few, simple demands.
Insha'Allah Let Today Be The First Day Of A New Direction
I have been following some blogs of sisters who are in similar shoes to mine. They have unexpectedly found themselves in polgyny hell and we have built a sort of support group by blogging about it. We outline our situations, discuss our ideas, share our pain, and sometimes come up with plans for how we are going to get some control back over our lives. Unfortunately, very little has changed in our lives in the last year -- unless you want to count what most poeple would see as changes for the worse.
Mostly our plans are simply new ways to hang on to the hope that our husbands are going to somehow not be the people they are. We have sweet conversations, brief visits, maybe share marital intimacy but it doesn't change anything really. Even divorced spouses should be able to exchange pleasantries and remember the good things that passed between them. If they share children they have more of a reason to make the effort to be kind and respectful to each other. This does not mean, however, that our husbands will ever treat us with the love and respect we deserve.
I have reached a point of no return with all of our abusive relationships, but I can only do something about my own. I'm exhausted with how much they dump on us and how much we try to hold onto them for more dumping. Life on this earth is fleeting and it is God's precious gift to us. Should I really take it so lightly that I am just throwing it away on a relationship that makes me miserable, not to mention my husband's other wife and children? Just because he wants to have his option as a Muslim to have more than one wife? How foolish I would be to think that this somehow makes me a better Muslim -- to sacrifice myself in a dysfunctional relationship, praying to gain a greater place in paradise as a result from my suffering in this life? I think God expects more than such foolish behavior from me. After all, He did give me a brain and a strong sense of self-esteem. Allah is the one that has made me think I deserve better than this. He taught me this through His word in Al-Quran and what he laid down as the role of a Muslim husband: Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. (Holy Qur’an 4:34
And He taught me more in His words regarding polygyny. At a time when there were many widows and orphans, God revealed: And if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphan girls, then marry (other) women of your choice; two or three or four but if you fear that you shall no be able to deal justly with them then marry only one" (Holy Qur’an 4:3)
Thus it is clear that men are expected to support and protect their wives and that if they cannot be fair in polygyny, they should not take more than one wife.
So I have been asking myself how much is really ENOUGH, sisters? It seems that most of you haven't reached whatever that point is. But I have. This is not what love is about and no matter how much polygyny was a part of our Prophet's life in the 7th century, this is the 21st century and my husband is no more like our Prophet than George Bush is. I have made my decision not to accept polygyny from my husband. Now, insh'Allah, he can make his decision regarding our marriage but if he chooses to maintain that this is his right to keep two wives then he can do so with some other woman because I deserve better than this.
Posted by PM at 6:26 PM
Sunday, December 24, 2006One of the comments ask about the role of Islam in this. She replies:
He's Making A List And Checking It Twice!
My STBEH, I mean; not that other bearded fellow.
I haven't blogged about it but there has been some email exchange since I received the Talaq-That-Never-Really-Was. At first, it was just about taking time to think over what we really want (from him; not me). Then it was about starting over. I didn't know what that meant so patiently waited -- what else could I do -- to find out. All the time, I am hoping and praying that this will lead to some civility and decency in handling the divorce -- not to mention getting my belongings back and some money owed.
So I got the explanation of what starting over means. Tell me what you think:
1. I must provide him with romance when he wants it
2. I must provide him with intellectual discourse and stimulating conversation
3. I must be willing to spend "our" time with his brothers and sisters
4. I must give up my culture
5. I must take on his culture completely (lifestyle, food, dress, customs)
6. I must learn Arabic faster and stop asking people to speak in English or translate for me
7. I must become one family with his other wife and their children
8. I must make myself comfortable with all his family
9. I must do everything he tells me to BECAUSE he tells me to do it
10. I must never get angry
11. I must never complain
12. I must learn to do what he likes and avoid what he dislikes
13. I must train my maid to stand around in the kitchen all day and evening waiting to serve us if we need anything.
13 -- the say it's an unlucky number....
Of course, this is all based on the premise that I must quit my job in my country; move to his country; find a job there and support myself; so that I can be available to follow all these new rules.
Well, it WOULD be a fresh start, I guess. What do you think?
Posted by PM at 11:15 PM 32 comments
"Where is Islam in all this? Nowhere. I can now see that Islam is not a factor for my STBEH."Here is another comment. In her blog, PM links to http://frompolygamytosinglemom.blogspot.com/ and says
whoever has read Pms last post about her current predicament, im in the exact same boat. well the only difference is that i dont have to go to my STBEH city nor do i have to pay for divorce. i have requested Khula, but i was asked to be patient.And her is another link and quote: http://vena-thoughtsof.blogspot.com/
i want to patiently peservere, but for how long. what am i waiting for. what is about to change. my STBEH is a selfish man who is not about to change. hes an extremist. he knows not how to be moderate. he either leans on one side or the other. theres no middle ground with him. hes not made for polygamy. he doesnt have what it takes to conduct a successful polygamous marriage. i acknowledge that and i accept that. thats one of the reasons why i requested Khula.
second, im glad that i was born as a muslim. Islam is my way of life and it has enriched my life so much
My husband and I have been having problems as usual. This whole polygamy thing is so confusing and emotionally consuming that I didn't know what to do anymore so I did as I always do....I made istikhara. The answer? Pregnant!!!! Hmmmmmmm. Does that mean Allah thinks I should leave him? AHHHHHH......NO! DUH! So here I go again.....Hangin in there insha Allah until I have my next break down, but insha Allah I will keep going. There is nothing wrong with getting weak sometimes. I am human. I am strong sometimes and weak at other times, but the important thing is to redirect myself and look at what I am really here for? What is the bigger picture? What is my purpose? My life is not about me.....My life is about my Islam. I must stay within the straight path and beat this or I will be given something harder. If I am to be called a Muslimah then I WILL face trials and tribulations.....Better my trials then to have someone elses. Alhamdulillah! Alhamdulillah! Alhamdulillah!She complains about poligamy in post after post, then one day she says this:
It hasn't been too difficult because I am very blessed alhamdulillah. I have a wonderful husband who supports me and my daughters, I have beautiful healthy children, I have wonderful friends who do their best to take care of me and the kids when my husband is not available, I have a co-wife who at the drop of a hat helps me when I need help, and I come from a very respectable family who love me and are always there when I need them.I can't figure it out. Is this SandM? Are Muslimas masolquistic?
Yet another sad story -- This from a blog by a woman named Safa, living near Cairo, Egypt. Her profile says she is a 35 yrs old...shhhhh....canadian convert to islam.....5 children.......in a polygynous marriage...trying to work my way out of it!Here is the link: http://needcopingmechanisms.blogspot.com/2007/07/i-dont-accept-it.html Thursday, July 26, 2007The letter continues. She pours out her heart, telling him how this action has hurt her and the children. She goes on...
I don't accept it......
I've been cleaning out my computer....and I found this letter that I wrote to my husband about a year ago. I never did give it to him. Go ahead and read it...don't forget it's one year old.....
My Dearest, Beloved Darling, my Husband,
I doubt if you shall ever set eyes on this letter. Maybe after I write it, I'll set a match to it in hopes that as it burns, it takes these feelings with it. It's not that I want to erase everything, I just want to stop the pain I'm going through. Now let me start.....
Assalaamu alaikum, Habibee,
We've been married for 15 yrs, and alhamdulillah, it's been good. We have been blessed with a relationship that is founded in our deen. We've been blessed with 4 wonderful children, masha Allah and have always made difficult decisions easily concerning them. We've always been considerate of one another, loving to make each other happy. We enjoy family time together and love the noise and ruckus that surrounds us in our daily life. It's just recently that I've noticed little changes in you. Since we decided that our little family would move to a muslim country and u'd stay behind in kaffir-land, our little family has changed. Maybe because you aren't with us all the time? I've never doubted my ability to take care of myself and the kids....but I am worried about your ability to take care of yourself. I can't see you washing your own laundry at the laundramat. Cooking food? No way. What are you going to do? I know you'll manage.....it will be a learning experience for you.
It's been 5 yrs since we decided to move our little family. Originally, you were supposed to come stay with us the next year. But one thing led to another, and subhanAllah, it's five. I'm tired of it now. I'm sure you are too. Still washing your own laundry? Oh, I suppose not. I thought that we had this wonderful open relationship that allowed us to talk about everything. But it seems like you had a surprise for me recently. Another wife. As I sit typing this letter to you, I feel that block of ice hit the bottom of my stomach thinking about it. I wish you could have told me first. Maybe if you'd have given me a chance to accept it, I'd be better now. How on earth could you think that bandaid therapy is better than bringing things along gradually?
Let's get down to business here.......I'm fed up. I thought I meant the world to you? If that is the truth....then how are we standing at these crossroads? I thought you'd always tell me when you made major decisions......I thought you'd never chose to hurt me and the kids. That's what you've done you know? You've not only taken another wife. You've chosen to hurt me and the kids. You have chosen that you want to live the rest of your life with me and ur children only half the time. You are hoping that we'll get over it. Oh yeah. Maybe one day I'll just wake up and say...OMG...I'm over it. Maybe.And more words of sadness and bitterness - and words of faith.
You know I don't trust you now. Nope. It's not like I was helping you look for a wife, or that you even prepared me for it. It was just a normal day in my life when I got that horrible phone call from a stranger. "your husband is married" he said. Or I think he said. I must have fainted or blocked out everything after that. I can still hear your voice on the phone when I called you crying....."I'm married." you said. I think that's when my heart burst outta my chest and flew into oblivion. Oh sweet oblivion. Why didn't you take me with you, heart? Is it peaceful there? I could use some peace.
... I wish that there could be some positive happy way to finish this letter. I just don't see it coming. Maybe I'm supposed to say that I know, insha Allah that you are doing the right thing. But I don't say that. Maybe I'm supposed to say that I'm patient and I'll wait this out. But I don't want to say that either. Maybe I'm supposed to say that the kids and I will be waiting until you get your priorities straight. But I don't think I can say that, either. So what does that leave me? No happy ending here. You don't see me running to rush into your arms that have held only me, that have protected only me...that have comforted me when I was crying...that Allah made for "only me". Nope. That's not for only me anymore.Sad, tragic - and stupid.
Am I jealous? Yes. Am I selfish? Yes. Am I hurt? Hell, yes!!
I don't support your decision to marry another wife. I wonder why you had to do it in secret.....well, whatever reason you had for hiding it, I don't support that. You only hide what's wrong and bad. Lies or theft. But something that Allah created halal, why would you hide it? You didn't want to hurt me? SHUT UP! Oh, I see........and you thought you'd never have to tell me? Cause if you were only delaying telling me, you know you were gonna hurt me. So don't tell me this crap. Find someone else to tell ur lies to.
... And you know what else? I love Allah more than you. And that's all that matters. So please give me back the key to my heart. You won't know how to unlock it anymore. Won't be able to see any of this letter, or my feelings anymore. It's my heart.....so GIVE ME BACK THE KEY!!!
Safa, Let me tell you the sad truth.
You, lady, are a fool. You have nobody to blame except yourself. You have chosen, of your own will, a faith and lifestyle that very often ends in sadness, pain and even violence. You are in over your head and you blame the man that did this too you. Yes, he is shit (beneath contempt, therefore I wont talk about him anymore) but you let this happen to you.
Stop complaining. This is Islam. It is his right. There is only one way to fight back, and that is to free yourself from the prison you chosen to live in - if you can.
I only pity the children.
Sorry for the tone of this, but cute, kind words solve nothing.
John Kactuz
... i am a second wife (aka Queenie). being a second wife is much harder than most people imagine. my experience as a second wife wasnt a very happy one at all. yes, i knew that he ahd another family, but i didnt bargain for what took place
... constantly being compared to his perfetc first wife. its heart breaking for a woman. i had to listen to how much he loved her, how she made him laugh, how she did things a certain wat. one day, out of anger, i told him that if she was so perfect, then why did u marry me? he had no answer, obviously
... then the abuse from the firts wife. nasty messages, nasty remarks. she almost assaulted me while i was highly pregnant. thank God he was there to protect me.
... then the comments from members of the community. being labelled an immoral woman. a home breaker. a man snatcher. having people wish me ill. some people even stopped talking to me and hubby. we made many enemies.
By the time she was in her early 20s, Rania al-Baz had become one of the best known and best loved faces in her home country of Saudi Arabia. As presenter of a program called "The Kingdom This Morning" on state-owned television, her hair was always covered by a hijab, as is required, but her face remained uncovered, and she would choose head scarves of defiantly flamboyant colors to cover her immaculately styled hair. She became, for hundreds of thousands of Saudi women, admirable, enviable and challenging -- and, thus, an implicit threat to a society in which women are forced to cover themselves, are not allowed to drive, cannot vote or participate in political life, cannot leave home unless accompanied by a chaperone or travel without authorization from a father or husband, and cannot establish a business without a male sponsor.Other stories:
Then, suddenly, on April 13, 2004, Baz disappeared from the airwaves. When she emerged two weeks later, her face was all over the newspapers, but it was barely recognizable. Her husband had savagely assaulted her, slamming her face against the marble-tiled floor of their home until it suffered 13 fractures. He was disposing of what he assumed to be her dead body when she showed signs of life and, panicking, he took her to the hospital, where doctors gave her only a 70 percent chance of survival.
... She pleaded with her husband not to beat her, but he punched her in the face. "I'm not going to beat you, I am going to kill you," he said. Then he began to smash her head, face down, against the floor, while a servant and their 5-year-old son watched. At the same time he was also throttling her, releasing his grip momentarily to demand that she repeat the Shahadah testimony of faith -- which Islam requires a dying person to recite -- three times: "There is no God but Allah and Mohammed is his messenger." Baz obediently spoke her lines until she lost consciousness.
... In May, thanks largely to Baz's stand, the first-ever research study on domestic violence in Saudi Arabia was completed at King Saud University in Riyadh, uncovering a terrifying culture of abused women, invariably silent, 90 percent of whom had seen their own mothers similarly abused. Rania "has become iconic," says her lawyer, Omar al-Khouli, who works with the local branch of the National Committee for Human Rights. "Hers was the first case the committee handled, and now more and more women are demanding their rights after her case -- not just over domestic violence but the whole system of discrimination in our society."
Main Page. Click on the icon to return to list of topics in Klog/Blog or click here to go to a general page on Islam, or even click here to return to my page on Islam and Europe.
In Secret, Polygamy Follows Africans to N.Y. As one woman says: "one accepts it because it’s our religion."It’s difficult, but one accepts it because it’s our religion,” said Doussou Traoré, 52, president of an association of Malian women in New York, who married an older man with two other wives who remain in Mali. “Our mothers accepted it. Our grandmothers accepted it. Why not us?”a few more lines...
Other women spoke bitterly of polygamy. They said their participation was dictated by an African culture of female subjugation and linked polygamy to female genital cutting and domestic violence. That view is echoed by most research on plural marriages, including studies of West African immigrants in France, where the government estimates that 120,000 people live in 20,000 polygamous families.
“The woman is in effect the slave of the man,” said a stylish Guinean businesswoman in her 40s who, like many women interviewed in Harlem and the Bronx, spoke on the condition of anonymity. “If you protest, your husband will hit you, and if you call the police, he’s going to divorce you, and the whole community will scorn you.”
“Even me,” she added. “My husband went to find another wife in Africa, and he has the right to do that. They tell you nothing, until one afternoon he says, ‘O.K., your co-wife arrives this evening.’ ”
She recalled terrible fights during the three months they all lived together. The conflicts continued after she paid for the first wife to move to another apartment. For eight months, the husband shuttled between the two, but he became abusive, she said. And when Ms. D was five months pregnant, he stopped showing up.
Like many West African women, Ms. D. had been subjected to genital cutting as a child, making sex painful. The other wife had not been cut.
“It’s not life, your man sharing a bed with another woman,” Ms. D. said. “You’re always thinking in your head, ‘does he love me?’ ”
The abuse never ends...
Link to my page about women. This page is about women and Islam, or what Islam has done to women. It is about the abuse and misogyny that Islam teaches in the Quran and ahadith. It is about rape and violence and excuses that Muslims make for those who do evil in the name of their religion. It is about the vile things said about women on Islamic Internet sites. It is about three couragous women: Wafa Sultan, Hirsi Ali and Oriana Fallaci and how they are hated and persecuted by Muslims for their ideas.
